September 2, 2017.?
Day 2 of September Blog-Along with Effy Wild.
Today, Ms. Effy Wild prompted blog-writing with the question, “What do you really want?”
I’m going with that, because it’s vulnerable enough, while everything else on my mind this morning feels too vulnerable or too poorly formed.
I write Morning Pages (see, The Artists Way by Julia Cameron): Three pages of long-hand writing in an 8.5′ x 11″ hardcover journal. I’ve done this fairly consistently for about fifteen years. What I mean is that when I’m doing them, I do them daily for weeks or months at a time. Then, seemingly without reason, I stop doing them. These journals are filled cover-to-cover with the first thoughts of the morning. I often call them, “My Brain Dump.” They are a way for me to give voice to the worries, concerns, ambitions, rants, raves, personal revelations, lists of things I have to do and things I want to do. Giving my Capricorn mind a place to get it all out means I can get to a place of emptiness. I don’t have to carry those voices with me all day. I can get on with creative endeavors and actually working on those lists. Usually, when I get to the part of Morning Pages where I’m list-making,it’s time to close the journal and open my To Do Notebook.
Morning Pages have been a safe space for me to write down answers to the question, “What do you really want?” In reviewing those pages, I see patterns and themes arise. I see my ambitions and fears laid bare. My insecurity, procrastination and frustrations are starkly recorded. My wild dreams, stilted by the limitations of time, energy and capital are a testament to my sense of privilege (I deserve this life!) and the realities of sole-parenting two kids (I can’t access this life!)
When I strip away the plans and ambitions, the outlines for books and workshops, retreats, ceremonies and intensive trainings from the thousands of Pages, some very simple underlying themes arise:
I want my children to be happy and to have what they need, but also what they really want.
I want to be healthy in body, mind, heart and soul.
I want to help people see themselves clearly so they can make better choices, set clear and guilt-free boundaries and focus on what they really want.
I want to write books.
I want to travel.
I want a beloved community who gather for beautiful meals, gorgeous conversation, mutual aid, upliftment and love.
I want an intimate partner who lives somewhere else and is as happy as I am with that arrangement.
I want to make pottery.
I want to learn to paint.
I want to play an instrument, again.
I want to jump into the deep and wild ocean waves; to nap on the beach with a book in my hands, while listening to the roar of the sea.
I want to have enough money to live this simple, beautiful life without worrying that about making the rent if I spend time writing or making pottery or learning to paint. Or if I spend money travelling simply, going to the beach, visiting my friends who are strewn far and wide around the globe.
I want a closet containing only ten days of clothing–every item being something I feel fabulous wearing.
I want to continue being elated by carefully chosen, simple things: My hard-cover journals, my perfect cappucino cup, soft bath sheets, copal incense, wild-flowers in a vase, that smoky-mossy-earthy-masculine perfume-oil, a leisurely lunch with a friend, that perfect gym bag.
These are small things.
I don’t want to own a home because I cannot imagine taking care of it and a lawn and snow-removal.
I don’t want a live-in lover.
I don’t want to grow my business so large that I need to hire people to help me. I don’t want an empire.
I don’t need to earn six or seven figures.
I don’t want to be the kind of author that has to go on tours to readher words out loud and sign books.
I’ve lived a fairly complicated life. I don’t want more complications. I don’t want or need bigger-better-more.
And, perhaps the reason I’m not writing Morning Pages these days, is because I’m living (almost entirely) the life laid out in those years of page upon page of defining what I really want.
This is a personal list. There are things I really want for you and for our culture. But, that is a blog for another day.